This is what it feels like..

IMG_4809It is 12:40 in the morning as I write this post. I probably should be sleeping like a log now that I’m off from a hard week at work but I don’t think sleep is visiting me anytime soon. I wish it was easier for me to control the thoughts running through my mind, to just close my eyes and not be worried sick about what’s happened and bound to happen.

I know it doesn’t help to frustrate myself with all these sobering thoughts but I just can’t help it. I don’t even know the reason for my sadness anymore. It’s like I feel depressed for no reason. Actually, there’s just too many reasons. Like everything is crashing and falling apart.

A few weeks ago, it seemed as if I was living an almost perfect life. It felt like I was finally living the kind of life I’ve always planned for myself. The universe kept throwing good things my way. My days at work weren’t so bad and I’ve learned to cope with my schedule. I didn’t mind working long hours and even extra days. I went out with my friends and did adventures and still had enough time for myself. I was grateful for everyday and for everything that life had to offer. I was afraid the feeling of contentment was going to end.. and it did. Maybe I shouldn’t have let myself dwell on all the good things. Maybe I should have prepared myself for what might go wrong. Maybe I wouldn’t have been this mad today.

I couldn’t figure out how I’ll get through this. Because what do you l when you have no idea who to trust anymore? When work life stresses you more than it should? When that one mistake you did haunts you every time? When you finally let the walls come down but it turns out it’s for the wrong person? When home is thousands of miles away? When even giving up takes a lot of courage?

I would normally just try to de-stress by working out or going somewhere fun but I can’t seem to get my body to do anything. And no matter how hard I try to distract myself, at the end of the day, this is still what it feels like..

 

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